By James Schloeffel
I'm developing a concept for a new reality TV show. I think you're going to love it. I'm still tossing up on the best name - Australia's Next Top Politician maybe, or perhaps Who Wants to Run the Country?
Anyway, the premise is this: take a group of 150 or so attention-seeking adults from a range of backgrounds (but mainly middle-aged, white men) and set them loose to do whatever it takes to get you, the viewer, to like them.
For much of the show they'll be locked in a specially designed ''house'', situated in a purpose-built city (I'm thinking somewhere between Melbourne and Sydney). But - in a first for reality television - contestants will be given free rein to roam the country to perform stunts, wear hard-hats while pretending to operate heavy machinery and appear with Kochie on Sunrise. All the while cameras will follow their every move with the best bits packaged for Australian audiences every evening.
To give the show an interactive edge, about once a month, you, the people of Australia, will get a chance to vote for your favourite contestant through a series of special questionnaires run by companies such as Nielsen and Newspoll. Well, some of you will. The results will be read out to the contestants, who will then have the opportunity to totally change their values, behaviour and belief-systems to match your fluctuating requirements.
But it gets better. To liven things up a little, contestants will be broken into teams (a Blue Team, a Red Team and a Green Team, for example). Each team will elect a captain who will be in charge of coming up with a series of slogans that sound intelligent but mean nothing. All of the team members will have to memorise the slogans and recite them at short notice.
Part way through the series, we'll throw in a rogue contestant not aligned to any team - probably from Queensland - and see how everyone else reacts. It will make for gripping viewing.
Teams will be given a series of tasks and challenges to test their resolve under pressure. Here are a few example challenges I've come up with:
■ ''Master Politician'' - developing an entire policy platform in under 30 minutes using just three ingredients.
■ ''Keeping up with the Joneses'' - getting through two 15-minute interviews, first with Tony Jones and then with Alan Jones, without ever actually answering a question.
■ ''Ethics Swap'' - finding a way to humiliate refugees while simultaneously championing the rights of Australian cows.
At the end of each day, one team will be judged to have ''won the day'' - an honour that will carry with it a lot of short-term kudos but no lasting significance. The following day they'll all start again.
Borrowing from popular reality series Survivor, contestants will be encouraged to abuse, defame and scheme against fellow team members behind their backs (but in front of the cameras). As in Survivor, I've got a feeling that contestants - constantly strategising to win - will betray the strongest competitors on their team to get ahead. Unfortunately you, the viewers, won't have any say in that part of the show.
To facilitate the scheming and trickery, a ''Diary Room'' will be set up where contestants can anonymously divulge confidential information about their dealings with teammates to a journalist who will then broadcast details throughout the country. Good eh?
But wait, there's more. For diehard fans, there will be special late-night episodes where participants, locked in a green-coloured room, will shout at each other, make cat noises, stamp their feet and generally act like baboons. It'll be a bit like Big Brother but without the jacuzzi. I'm thinking of giving these special episodes the tongue-in-cheek title ''Question Time''.
In general, participants will be encouraged to be outlandish, rude, obnoxious - even sexist. This is for TV remember. Any participant who bores us with something too serious will quickly be sidelined. Female contestants will be critiqued on what they wear, male contestants on how loudly they shout.
There are still a few details I need to iron out - like how long each series will last (I'm thinking three years, after which you'll get a chance to vote in a new batch of contestants) and I'm in talks to license the show for state-based competitions as well. I think I'm on to something here - scintillating, scandalous, must-see TV. It's a guaranteed ratings winner. You won't be able to miss it.
James Schloeffel is a freelance writer.
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