Maybe we need an Abbott-proof fence

Imagine, for a fanciful moment, that Julia Gillard has invented the Easter Bunny. Flanked by a brace of nodding cabinet ministers, one or two independent MPs and Bob Brown, she announces this exciting policy initiative in the prime minister's courtyard at Parliament House.

''Let me just make the point here, if I may, that this little furry friend will be a wonderful boost for hard-working Australian families in this great country of ours in terms of chocolate Easter egg outcomes for all our kiddies,'' she says.

The opposition, these days in a permanent lather of outrage, throws the levers to incandescent. The imagemeisters swing into action. In suburban Canberra, weary shopkeepers see Tony Abbott descending upon them again for yet another sleeves-rolled-up photo opportunity, this time stacking egg cartons for the TV cameras.

''There will be, um, a people's revolt against this, ah, latest shocking example of Labor's scandalous deceit and, er, endless extravagance,'' thunders Abbott, spraying adjectives like confetti. ''Julia Gillard never once mentioned rabbits at the election. Chocolate eggs will kick the guts out of the battling Australian egg industry.''

The Tea Party wing of the Coalition takes up the cry. Barnaby Joyce blusters that an Easter Bunny will be another crushing blow to the national public-private surplus debt deficit. Senator Cory Bernardi fears an Islamic plot to wreck Easter and our Christian traditions. ''Just like Colonel Gaddafi,'' say the Liberal frontbenchers Eric Abetz and Sophie Mirabella in chorus.

Seamlessly, the shock jocks and the Tory commentariat swing into line. Alan Jones rants that the stupidity - the insanity - of sending a Labor rabbit into kiddies' bedrooms is tantamount to child abuse, which is all you would expect from That Woman. Melbourne's village idiot, Andrew Bolt of the Herald Sun, blogs that everyone knows the Left crucified Christ on Calvary. The Australian's Janet Albrechtsen delivers a densely worded thesis arguing that Pontius Pilate was an unelected judicial activist running a radical agenda of social engineering. Her colleague Dennis Shanahan, of the Canberra press gallery, explains in a shower of mixed metaphors that the bunny is in fact a red herring to divert attention from Labor's capitulation to the Greens on euthanasia and same-sex marriage and predicts, once again, that here is the straw that will sink the Gillard government. In a fiery editorial the Oz charges that, anyway, it's the fault of the inner-city latte sippers at the ABC and the Fairfax press. And then, of course, there's the National Broadband Network . . .

This is what passes for conservative thought nowadays. It is all so predictable, although death threats to the independent MP Tony Windsor have added a new nastiness. Windsor is right to suggest there is madness in the air. Driving to Canberra this week, I broke the rule of a lifetime to listen to the Parrot on radio, in time to hear a caller named Stephanie gibbering about the leftist threat to the nation. It turned out she meant Joe Hockey and Senator George Brandis. ''Yes, yes,'' said Jones soothingly.

Try though I might - which is not very hard, I admit - I cannot raise a flicker of interest in the state election campaign. It is like watching a football replay where you know the score: in this case, a crushing defeat for the home side. The Premier can announce new policies until her hairstyle goes limp, but it matters not a jot because they will never see the light of day.

All that is left is for state Labor to tie up a few loose ends for its property tycoon mates. This week's furtive trampling of the planning laws to allow the Barangaroo developer, Lend Lease, to build a car park on polluted waterfront land was a disgrace. But typical of this rotten mob. That apart, you can tell the campaign is happening because every evening the TV news has shots of Kristina Keneally and Barry O'Farrell wearing hard hats and staring solemnly at some mysterious piece of machinery, or a steel girder, or whatever. The Opposition Leader sports a red hat. It looks like a cherry on a cup cake. The Premier has a white hat with the NSW waratah logo which, I imagine, she will have to turn over to O'Farrell when he wins. I'd keep an eye on that, Barry. It's public property, owned by the taxpayer.

You can never trust an outgoing government. I always liked the story of the Clinton staffers in the West Wing of the White House who removed all the W keys from their computer keyboards, throwing the incoming George W. Bush administration into three days of chaos. Taking the apostrophe keys might do likewise for the O'Farrell government. Just a thought. In the meantime, Barry, could you do something about Gladys Berejiklian's voice? It has the whiny insistence of a dentist's drill. I don't think I can take four years of it.